I have come to realize lately that I am a bit on the awkward side. Well, I'm kind of lying there. I have always been awkward. I feel a good way to explain it, is that I am the lone apple in a room full of oranges. I just don't fit in. I have always felt that anytime i speak, people just don't care to hear me. It is like anything that comes out of mouth is just ignored. Then, i also feel that if I want to be noticed, I have to be the one to start conversations with people (but once I do, I cycle back to feeling ignored, so I shut down). It is a bit frustrating to feel as if everyone is better than me and they know it. This is especially frustrating because of my size. I am not a skinny girl, so my self esteem is in the toilet. Plus, add to it that I have always been more shy than outgoing. I am just...awkward.
Its recently apparent that my awkwardness is transferring to my job. I was pulled aside one day and was told that "maybe it is because you are shy or something, but you are coming across as not friendly or approachable." I find this extremely odd, as I talk to everyone...every day. I feel like my desk is a rotating door of people bombarding me with questions on how to do things. How can i be unapproachable if I am the one with all the answers lately? It baffling. So, needless to say, I was surprised to hear that. BUT we had an office outing this past Friday and it became obvious to me (and my husband) that people at work have no interest in being around me. I talked to a couple people, but when it came down to picking seats, the only person that would have anything to do with me was my husband! Only one person sat with us, but that was because she had nowhere else to go.
I don't know why, but I was kind of hurt by that.
Another instance was Friday afternoon while I was taking a break outside. Someone came up to me and told me I was so quiet. She asked me if I was just really focused on doing my job. Well, yes. I am there to do a job. I don't like to be interrupted , but I deal.
I just don't know. I know that certain people like to run their mouth and have turned opinions against me for no reason, but I am seriously to my breaking point with the drama in the office.
How do I deal with conquering the awkwardness? I have always felt this way. It has been a lifelong feeling. I feel tortured by it. How do I fix it?
