You Are Mine

I didn't write yesterday. My mind has been stuck on something lately and it's driving me nuts. I think the following is appropriate:

YOU ARE MINE

Everyone has their obsession
consuming thoughts
consuming time
they hold high their prized possession
it defines the meaning of their life

You are mine

They're our objects of affection
that can mesmerize the soul
there is always one addiction
that just can not be controlled

You are mine

Really?

Time: 9:39 pm

What I hear: The Emergency by BT

Where to begin tonight? I think I should write sooner in the evening because I seem to be a bit more sane. The later it gets the wackier I get, so we'll see where this goes.

First of all...WHY are Sock Monkeys $30? It's a stuffed animal for goodness sake! I know it sounds strange, but my husband has been on a sock monkey kick for about a month now and I really want to find one for him, but $30? REALLY? I don't know why the man wants one, but he does. And you know what started it? That commercial they showed during the Super Bowl with the toys all riding around bowling and jet skiing and stuff. And when he saw the sock monkey on there he proclaimed that he thought they were cool and he wanted one. I kinda find it strange, but whatever. I love him, so I want to find one. I'm sure I could find one on ebay(yep there's some on there running about $10 - 25). And he doesn't want the creepy looking one with the buggy eyes. He wants the original sock monkey.

So that's one of my quests right now. Weird.

David also pointed out to me today something pretty cool that we would both LOVE to do, but financially its not going to happen. It's this HUGE dance music festival at the end of March in Miami. Wish we both had decent jobs because several of our faves will be there (minus BT unfortunately...that would be the deal breaker I think....LOVE BT!!) The cost reminds me a little of Fan Fair (CMA Music Fest whatever its called now) except FF lasts 4 days whereas this one only lasts 2. It's a 12 hour drive to get to Miami from here, so gas would suck, then hotel, food and $280 for both of us to get in to this thing. I'd love to do it, but that is something you plan all year to attend and it's not gonna happen in a month for us. So, we're kinda bummed, but now that we know about it we will definitely plan for next year.

Tomorrow I get some freedom. I have to get up super early and take hubby to work so I can have the car. Am going job hunting tomorrow. I have absolutely no idea where I am going other than the Publix down the street to see if they need a cake decorator in the bakery. I know David would kill me, but I COULD hit up the Hallmark since I worked for them in Savannah (there's a store right down the street from me owned by the same people who own the Savannah store), but the only way I would work for that store is just to do stock or displays or things of the like. I don't want to do sales or whatever. AND I KNOW they already suck on the pay scale so I don't think I should waste my time, but who knows? I do know they are moving locations I think next week so maybe they could use some help doing that.

Anyway, other than that I don't know what I am going to do. I wish there were a reliable job finding site that winnowed out the fake jobs from the real ones. I hate seeing 200 postings for MYSTERY SHOPPING JOBS! WORK FROM HOME JOBS! etc etc. You know what I am talking about.

UM...I think I am going to do a bit of research tonight and create some flyers I can post at the mail centers in my complex here for my Mary Kay. Of all jobs I could look for, my MK biz would profit me the most if I could just figure it out and quit being such a chicken to go out and meet people. There's a Career Conference on the 19th and 20th of next month I really want to go. I really need to get my butt in gear with it. It could be so much more beneficial to me than working my butt off with someone else telling me what to do and when I can and can't go do the things I want to do. I just need to be harder on myself to get out there and do it.

You know what's funny about doing MK to me though? I can see myself doing the business. I can literally visualize it in my head being outgoing and doing the classes and getting to know people and having money and driving the cars and everything, but for some reason in real life I CLAM UP and just can't bring myself to do it. I'm only standing in my own way and that drives me nuts! What is wrong with me? I think if I make myself some new temporary business cards (until I can afford to order a new set), make up some flyers and try to get a class going...just to see where that gets me here. I have to do something with all this time I am wasting at home every day. (THANKS ME FOR VENTING ON MY BLOG...I'm feeling slightly motivated)

Ok enough for now. I have some work to do. Leave me some love, browse my MK site to humor me (sorry you are allergic Meg...that sucks), whatever.

♥♥ ME

Here I Am

Time: 2:46am

What i hear : Here I Am by Kaskade

You know, I wish I was an interesting person. I wish I had something interesting to write about really. Those of you who actually read this crap must really have nothing better to do with your time.

I am a multi-crafter. You know, because I get bored so easily. I have so many little projects I start and I can focus on one for a little while. I eventually get tired of it and pick up something else. And I NEVER finish anything before I move onto starting something new. WHICH I've noticed is pretty much how I do ANYTHING in my life. I start all these little whatnots and never follow through with finishing them. The only thing I have really followed through with lately is the cake decorating thing (and I still have 2 classes I have to be fully finished with it...the next course is all about fondant and gum paste and my final cake is a wedding cake. Yippee).

I don't think I really know WHO I am anymore. I know what I am good at and I know I could be good at a couple things, but I never follow through. It's all in that self confidence thing. I've noticed I'm starting to clam up a bit more in public now too. All this being cooped up at home all the time...I DON'T LIKE IT. I asked hubby to leave my car tomorrow so I could get out and apply for jobs, but he's actually got an interview for an outreach job to earn a little extra money. I know why he's doing it, but if he'd actually leave me with my car I could have gotten a job by now. Granted, he is finally making strides to getting his car "rubberized" on the inside and trying to put in some weather stripping to stop all the water from getting in, so he has taken the seats out of the car. SO makes it kind of hard for him to drive it.

Anyway long story short, I think I'm going to have the car on Thursday, so i can get out and get myself some work. As much as I love sleeping in and not having any work obligations now, I really need my sanity back. I need my freedom and some interaction with people in front of me.

It's funny. I have friends here in Atlanta. One of my best friends lives maybe 15-20 mins away from me now and I never see her. Other friends live 30 mins away and I never see them either. No one ever calls me or texts me anymore (I don't know why I even have a phone), I feel totally disconnected from the world. My mother told me recently that I spend too much time online, but hell...it's the only way I stay connected. At least online I have some people I can talk to, things to take out my boredom on, outlets like this blog to get all the jumbled mess of thoughts in my head out on.

I want things to be good and right now they aren't. Money is tight because I'm not working. We have too many bills. I thought my car was almost paid off and it's looking like it won't be paid off until September now. The excess we DID have, we squandered away and now I have all this stuff looming over me.

I did find a job posting for a teacher's assistant the other day. Starting pay was like 41K, which to me is GREAT, but it was working in a class room with special ed kids. NOT that I have anything against special ed kids. I just know it takes very special people to be able to work with kids like that. I know it is difficult to do (hell my mother in law used to do that as her job when she still actually worked). Personally I don't know how I could do it. People tell me all the time how much patience I have...like it's out of this world; they have never known anyone as patient as I am. And I think that would help, but I don't know. There are other teaching assistant jobs and the pay is still ok 30-35K working with regular kids. Is it bad I'm looking at that 41K as opposed to less to work with regular kids. Should I just apply to it and see what happens? I'm looking at it and its not a normal school....its at a intensive residential treatment center (which to me translates to mental hospital...is that wrong?)

EDIT: On a bit of researching it seems that the sites posting these "jobs" are phishing scams....LOVELY...well there goes my small bit of hope...

I know it sounds awful and I shouldn't let it motivate me, but I've never made more than 20K a year. HOW SAD IS THAT!!?? I'm 30 years old....you would think I would have achieved some sort of success by this point. I just look lazy and unmotivated. Which, to be honest, is how I feel.

I'm getting sleepy so I'll write more later. One of these days these entries might contain some semblance of being organized, but that's not how my brain works these days...

♥ ME

Random first thoughts: This is ME

I've noticed that I tend to blog song lyrics. I've had to restrain myself from doing this as a starting point for this new blog. It's very hard to resist.

I guess I should do an official introduction.

HI, I'm Brandi or Brandivah...whatever you feel like calling me. I'm 30 years old and I live in Marietta, GA which is Metro Atlanta (the ATL city limits aren't too far from here, so most days I will just say I live in Atlanta....just go with it). Currently I am unemployed and it's really starting the hurt. My husband, David, and I are currently sharing my car. It's not a very fair share though with him getting it all week and I only get to drive it during the weekend. We're trying to get his car in better shape so he can start driving it again. Currently it is suffering from some serious leakage...and no, not that car itself is leaking. More like water is getting in somehow and we really don't know what to do ourselves to fix it. BUT HEY, it's an old Corvette and we love it. :)

Now that I've gone off on a little ramble about the damn cars, let's see what's next?

*clears throat

SOMEONE HIRE ME!!!! I am looking at maybe getting a job as a cake decorator if I can find something available. I also sell Mary Kay, but haven't been active since before we moved from Savannah (WOW...its almost been 3 months since we moved back).

I'm originally from the Atlanta area. I moved to Atlanta with my family when I was 6. I lived here all the way through high school. I went to Valdosta State University for college (and have a degree I don't use) and shortly after finishing my student teaching, I decided to follow my (at the time) fiancee, now husband, to Savannah so I could be with him. The past 5 years we have lived in 5 different places with one of them being his parents house (was the most tortuous year and 1/2 of my life) and 4 different apartments. I was miserable living in Savannah, but right before we got married, we moved out to the islands and I was 10 minutes from the beach. THE BEACH...my most favorite place to be. It was VERY difficult to leave it. I now know that whenever we retire, it's definitely going to be on a beach.

ANYWAY

Now I've been jobless for almost 3 months. TRAPPED in my apartment every day...going slightly mental with every passing day. I told my husband this past weekend that I was happy he met me for lunch on Friday and let me have my car. I felt liberated and more like myself. This being at home thing every day and having no transportation on the off chance I want to go somewhere. IT SUCKS...

2010...this also marks something else for me...my personal struggle the past 10 years with my weight. All the broken promises I've made to myself to try and lost weight. 9 and 11/12s of those years were all for appearance purposes. Only recently have I opened my eyes a bit and realized that I was wanting to lose it for vanity reasons. Now I'm realizing I am just cutting my lifespan shorter by being like this. I want to live as long as I can and I DEFINITELY do not want to live another 10 years like this. I SWORE I would not look the way I do when I turned 30, but alas, another broken promise to myself. THIS TIME, I've got to do it. I've also realized lately I have an addiction to sugar. I try to be healthy but I always wind up caving and binging on sugary things. It's not good for me (in more ways than one). I'm also a boredom eater, which is probably why I always have to have something to do to cure the urge to eat. I'm really struggling right now. I did good for a week, but have already fallen off the horse. I promised myself that tomorrow I would get back on it. I'm unhappy with me, and that's a hard thing for me to admit out loud.

I'm also not getting any younger. My husband and I both want us to have kids...LIKE 2 years ago....we've been, obviously, very unsuccessful with that and I chalk it up to my weight. I'm not healthy and I think I've been slightly insane the past 2 years thinking that being pregnant at my weight I'd be ok. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and I KNOW that there's a reason we don't have a kid yet. I need to stop thinking of things in the wrong order. I need to fix me first; physically and emotionally and financially.

OH man, I've been listening to a playlist the whole time I've been writing. As my shirt says "Music is my life". Some songs seem to just come on at the right time and it just FITS that moment.

I need help. And I need support of people who will continually be there for me. My husband is always supportive of me, but because of that he has a soft spot for being stern with me about things. I need some serious encouragement. I need people that I can feel the need to not let down, if THAT makes any sense. And while I have friends who are really sweet...I can't recall a single person who goes out of their way for me like I do for them (aside from my mother and husband). I really need someone to do that for me. It's been so long and so hard and I've lost myself and my self confidence that I give up WAY TOO EASY....I don't even know who I am anymore.

End ramble for now...I've been writing for 30 minutes straight and my thoughts are too jumbled for now.

More tomorrow when I have a chance of a clearer head.

(NOTE TO SELF...DO NOT GO GET FREE PANCAKES AT IHOP....YOU DON'T NEED IT)

Thank you Madonna....you capped it off tonight

Devil Wouldn't Recognize You

First Entry

So I just wanted to type something to start. I will add more later when I actually have something to say