Here I Am

Time: 2:46am

What i hear : Here I Am by Kaskade

You know, I wish I was an interesting person. I wish I had something interesting to write about really. Those of you who actually read this crap must really have nothing better to do with your time.

I am a multi-crafter. You know, because I get bored so easily. I have so many little projects I start and I can focus on one for a little while. I eventually get tired of it and pick up something else. And I NEVER finish anything before I move onto starting something new. WHICH I've noticed is pretty much how I do ANYTHING in my life. I start all these little whatnots and never follow through with finishing them. The only thing I have really followed through with lately is the cake decorating thing (and I still have 2 classes I have to be fully finished with it...the next course is all about fondant and gum paste and my final cake is a wedding cake. Yippee).

I don't think I really know WHO I am anymore. I know what I am good at and I know I could be good at a couple things, but I never follow through. It's all in that self confidence thing. I've noticed I'm starting to clam up a bit more in public now too. All this being cooped up at home all the time...I DON'T LIKE IT. I asked hubby to leave my car tomorrow so I could get out and apply for jobs, but he's actually got an interview for an outreach job to earn a little extra money. I know why he's doing it, but if he'd actually leave me with my car I could have gotten a job by now. Granted, he is finally making strides to getting his car "rubberized" on the inside and trying to put in some weather stripping to stop all the water from getting in, so he has taken the seats out of the car. SO makes it kind of hard for him to drive it.

Anyway long story short, I think I'm going to have the car on Thursday, so i can get out and get myself some work. As much as I love sleeping in and not having any work obligations now, I really need my sanity back. I need my freedom and some interaction with people in front of me.

It's funny. I have friends here in Atlanta. One of my best friends lives maybe 15-20 mins away from me now and I never see her. Other friends live 30 mins away and I never see them either. No one ever calls me or texts me anymore (I don't know why I even have a phone), I feel totally disconnected from the world. My mother told me recently that I spend too much time online, but hell...it's the only way I stay connected. At least online I have some people I can talk to, things to take out my boredom on, outlets like this blog to get all the jumbled mess of thoughts in my head out on.

I want things to be good and right now they aren't. Money is tight because I'm not working. We have too many bills. I thought my car was almost paid off and it's looking like it won't be paid off until September now. The excess we DID have, we squandered away and now I have all this stuff looming over me.

I did find a job posting for a teacher's assistant the other day. Starting pay was like 41K, which to me is GREAT, but it was working in a class room with special ed kids. NOT that I have anything against special ed kids. I just know it takes very special people to be able to work with kids like that. I know it is difficult to do (hell my mother in law used to do that as her job when she still actually worked). Personally I don't know how I could do it. People tell me all the time how much patience I have...like it's out of this world; they have never known anyone as patient as I am. And I think that would help, but I don't know. There are other teaching assistant jobs and the pay is still ok 30-35K working with regular kids. Is it bad I'm looking at that 41K as opposed to less to work with regular kids. Should I just apply to it and see what happens? I'm looking at it and its not a normal school....its at a intensive residential treatment center (which to me translates to mental hospital...is that wrong?)

EDIT: On a bit of researching it seems that the sites posting these "jobs" are phishing scams....LOVELY...well there goes my small bit of hope...

I know it sounds awful and I shouldn't let it motivate me, but I've never made more than 20K a year. HOW SAD IS THAT!!?? I'm 30 years old....you would think I would have achieved some sort of success by this point. I just look lazy and unmotivated. Which, to be honest, is how I feel.

I'm getting sleepy so I'll write more later. One of these days these entries might contain some semblance of being organized, but that's not how my brain works these days...

♥ ME