Random first thoughts: This is ME

I've noticed that I tend to blog song lyrics. I've had to restrain myself from doing this as a starting point for this new blog. It's very hard to resist.

I guess I should do an official introduction.

HI, I'm Brandi or Brandivah...whatever you feel like calling me. I'm 30 years old and I live in Marietta, GA which is Metro Atlanta (the ATL city limits aren't too far from here, so most days I will just say I live in Atlanta....just go with it). Currently I am unemployed and it's really starting the hurt. My husband, David, and I are currently sharing my car. It's not a very fair share though with him getting it all week and I only get to drive it during the weekend. We're trying to get his car in better shape so he can start driving it again. Currently it is suffering from some serious leakage...and no, not that car itself is leaking. More like water is getting in somehow and we really don't know what to do ourselves to fix it. BUT HEY, it's an old Corvette and we love it. :)

Now that I've gone off on a little ramble about the damn cars, let's see what's next?

*clears throat

SOMEONE HIRE ME!!!! I am looking at maybe getting a job as a cake decorator if I can find something available. I also sell Mary Kay, but haven't been active since before we moved from Savannah (WOW...its almost been 3 months since we moved back).

I'm originally from the Atlanta area. I moved to Atlanta with my family when I was 6. I lived here all the way through high school. I went to Valdosta State University for college (and have a degree I don't use) and shortly after finishing my student teaching, I decided to follow my (at the time) fiancee, now husband, to Savannah so I could be with him. The past 5 years we have lived in 5 different places with one of them being his parents house (was the most tortuous year and 1/2 of my life) and 4 different apartments. I was miserable living in Savannah, but right before we got married, we moved out to the islands and I was 10 minutes from the beach. THE BEACH...my most favorite place to be. It was VERY difficult to leave it. I now know that whenever we retire, it's definitely going to be on a beach.

ANYWAY

Now I've been jobless for almost 3 months. TRAPPED in my apartment every day...going slightly mental with every passing day. I told my husband this past weekend that I was happy he met me for lunch on Friday and let me have my car. I felt liberated and more like myself. This being at home thing every day and having no transportation on the off chance I want to go somewhere. IT SUCKS...

2010...this also marks something else for me...my personal struggle the past 10 years with my weight. All the broken promises I've made to myself to try and lost weight. 9 and 11/12s of those years were all for appearance purposes. Only recently have I opened my eyes a bit and realized that I was wanting to lose it for vanity reasons. Now I'm realizing I am just cutting my lifespan shorter by being like this. I want to live as long as I can and I DEFINITELY do not want to live another 10 years like this. I SWORE I would not look the way I do when I turned 30, but alas, another broken promise to myself. THIS TIME, I've got to do it. I've also realized lately I have an addiction to sugar. I try to be healthy but I always wind up caving and binging on sugary things. It's not good for me (in more ways than one). I'm also a boredom eater, which is probably why I always have to have something to do to cure the urge to eat. I'm really struggling right now. I did good for a week, but have already fallen off the horse. I promised myself that tomorrow I would get back on it. I'm unhappy with me, and that's a hard thing for me to admit out loud.

I'm also not getting any younger. My husband and I both want us to have kids...LIKE 2 years ago....we've been, obviously, very unsuccessful with that and I chalk it up to my weight. I'm not healthy and I think I've been slightly insane the past 2 years thinking that being pregnant at my weight I'd be ok. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and I KNOW that there's a reason we don't have a kid yet. I need to stop thinking of things in the wrong order. I need to fix me first; physically and emotionally and financially.

OH man, I've been listening to a playlist the whole time I've been writing. As my shirt says "Music is my life". Some songs seem to just come on at the right time and it just FITS that moment.

I need help. And I need support of people who will continually be there for me. My husband is always supportive of me, but because of that he has a soft spot for being stern with me about things. I need some serious encouragement. I need people that I can feel the need to not let down, if THAT makes any sense. And while I have friends who are really sweet...I can't recall a single person who goes out of their way for me like I do for them (aside from my mother and husband). I really need someone to do that for me. It's been so long and so hard and I've lost myself and my self confidence that I give up WAY TOO EASY....I don't even know who I am anymore.

End ramble for now...I've been writing for 30 minutes straight and my thoughts are too jumbled for now.

More tomorrow when I have a chance of a clearer head.

(NOTE TO SELF...DO NOT GO GET FREE PANCAKES AT IHOP....YOU DON'T NEED IT)

Thank you Madonna....you capped it off tonight

Devil Wouldn't Recognize You